The Chaotic-Neutron

Yoga the control of the thoughts, which brings the ability to perceive the physical and mental unity, the path to realisation, is not plain as usual. It is an exercise, for the mind, to train it, to understand the intricacies and to feel one with it.

When i say, ‘like an exercise’, i mean so literally. I have realised that any exercise if practised with vigor and then discontinued for whatever reason for any short period of time shall degrade the effect and the bearer drastically. It is a sharp infinite knife over which caution is needed at every step, all through the way till the end aspiration has been reached. In essence, if yoga is practiced and the mind has been made to filter and ignore perversions, desire and other thoughts which bring morose, then beware when you even unknowingly quit it. The perversions as Mahesh puts it comes back with a vengeance and is more powerful knowing that you are weak without protection now. The mind works in subtle ways and shall fall prey to the atrocious and dark perversions which will take years to cleanse.

Mahesh goes through it now but i know not what he feels. When i cannot understand myself completely, how can i possibly judge another mind ?! The truth is blatant though but the answer seems far far away. Pressing ahead in this war against desire, hate, perversion, love and what not, I shall succeed. But when and at what cost(does it matter ?) I do not know.

The one who smears ashes on His body, hear me
Aspiration hard and burning,
The perverted crust melting,
The flow in the path beneath
I goest in thy way to reach thee ..

Bliss of silence descend down to me.
But without peace, it wreaks havoc,
Words inadequate.

This is a story like thing that i wrote now to express everything i felt about the tirupati trip … the trip was beautiful .. dont know whether i used the right words here to express them but the feeling is still very strong inside me …

I had been to Tirupati yesterday for priyanka’s marriage and it was a kind of a perfect experience out there.. It is said that Tirupati is always full of surprises ! I realised that it will make you disbeleive about free will and will teach you life in really weird but obvious ways …

Me, Bals and Demi started off from here on tuesday and just made it for the bus. We didnt have any kind of food ( time constraints as usual hehe ) except for a plate of Idli just before leaving .. ok ! a very peaceful bus ride and we landed there by about 3. We had plans to climb up to have the darshan and so we tried for tickets… i havent been to tirupati in a long time and on looking at one of the queue lost hope for getting any darshan .. A sign board near the queue read “Darshan : 12 AM Thursday”. I thought ok ! Venki has screwed us all !

Demi was in no mood to climb up and so he desperately prayed not to get the tickets while bals did otherwise. Very funny situation actually. Then demi noticed that the queue was for the free darshan and sudharshan darshan tickets are near the foothill. we went there and got the tickets aramse Best part was that Demi who didnt want to go up, showed us the path to go up. i felt short of words on that !

We started our trek in the cold, biting and inviting atmosphere there. Hungry and wanting to reach the top before 6 in the morning, we started off right away. All you guys know about my leg right … Its freakin fragile right now or that’s what i thought until the minute i started climbing the steps to have the darshan. I was running through the stairs, running like crazy until i felt the toll of the smoker’s lung on my stamina. frantic for air, we stood there, just 200 steps from the ground. I counted 3500 more to go. hmm … You could have guessed how much hope i would have had then. Demi had dizziness then, bals felt like vomiting and i was totally exhausted. We sat there and there was this couple who passed by us, and noticing that all of us were done for, gave us a bottle of water and some fruits. Felt weird on that kind of an act from a total stranger to a totally lost bunch of random guys ..

We walked on, and on, tired and seeing more and more steps losing hope completely. My leg was hurting badly and my back too felt weak because of the stress. But there was something on everybody’s face around us that kept me going. The faith or whatever you want to call that was too very strong to let anyone down in that place. I felt miserable and then i quickly got the enthu to start off again and run against the pain. There was a stage where there were only three more steps to reach a flat area where i could rest or sit but my body and legs was so tired that i couldn’t move from the step i was standing in. I watched not knowing what to do, whether to sit right there or to jump in vain to touch the flat surface and accomplish something worthy. Images flashed, and i said f*** you to myself against all the pain that i felt and peacefully reached the flat place. best part was that i didnt want to rest once i reached there. The aspiration was not willing to quench itself for the measly 3 steps and it kept pushing me until i felt really tired, some 150 steps from where i had started. i felt i was acting foolishly, screwing up my body in the process but it struck me on what is this body worth if the pain, a product of the aspiration cannot be fought against.

We kept walking and we reached the 6th mountain. Its called “The Knee breaker” ! hmmm. well after seeing all that had happened before, this one, a continous monster of about 600 steps felt like a meadow. We just grazed through the way, and made it to the top in no time. Perseverance paid off !

At last we reached Tirumala at around 7 in the morning. Walked to the lodge where the guys were staying and wanted to sleep. the best part was that i couldnt sleep. the excitement, the hunger, the memory of this travel remained, and kept me alive ..

We attended priyanka’s marriage and then went to have darshan. We entered the queue at around 12. There was a sort of rugby match going on in there. People crowding and fighting to get in front of a 60 year old guy to have the darshan first, just before the turn to entrance of inner sanctum. I felt ugly and sick then. Everyone was fighting literally, not that it is something that i am seeing new but then, it suddenly didn’t make sense any more, on why would people want to have darshan first and not wait for an extra minute for having waited for 6 hours ? None of that made sense. Is that precious minute more critical than allowing a 60 year old guy, who endured the wait alongside us also, to pass by first ? Anyway, we finally had the chance to see venki at 5.40. I wanted to pray about so many things, wanted to tell him so many things but when the time came, when the darshan happened, the mind was blank… the eyes saw the image, the mind couldn’t imagine anything else, couldn’t think of anything else, just watched and i came out. and there ends the episode.

very blank now and relaxed than ever before. feeling very free. many of the questions i had have been answered. no guilt, no regret. desires do remain still. waiting to burn them away soon …

Talked to her now. Fragile voice. Serene face. Deep eyes. Life’s reward ?

Life is flux. All is Opinion.

Nature is a balance of divergences

Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing ?
When will we learn to control ?
The inner child cries with grief
What do we do to break this impenetrable wall ?

Asatyam in the air, deceiving every moment,
Innocence leads to the trap, again and again.
The hope for the truth to dawn shall succeed
and all knowledge shall be conquered with Him.

Why these images come back
torturing without peace to raise questions ?
Where thee lead me, i follow
Itham aham sarvam itham.
Itham rudram sarvam sivam. OM.

Why this obsession again ? Question haunt ;
What has thee unlearnt to forget this ?
Where has thy knowledge vanished ?
How to test now if its real ?

The talk hums still, but unreal
The voice fragile and echoing through the body
Serene face flashes in memory
Grief overtakes on seeing the eyes this deep.

This life or the next is a mystery
Avoiding thoughts on sham
The question reflect, asking for sense
Answer eludes me and blankness shrouds now.

This innocence pains badly
What penance has this soul to undergo
To reach the bliss of seeing thee ?
Oh my beloved savior, give me the answer.

All thy knowledge is the realisation of the unknown truth within.

The fear pervades, inside and outside
feeling the confusion in the mind
What questions are these
for which answers exist not ?

The feeling of oneness, in love
Could it all be sham and nothing more ?
Fear again. Fear of the defeat.
Why this flutter in the silence of the heart ?

Flesh and blood, facades that separate
Aren’t we the one and the same ?
I know thee not, the love i have now
The innocence fuels this fear.

Ye unseen who sees it all,
Tell me and show thy stature
The oneness in your spirit and body
let this love bring the one out of me.

Go play o thee stranger,
Thy purpose obscure and hidden,
Clues drop down and unfold
Soon the hazy sky will clear out
and the truth shall dawn upon thee.

Innocence is bliss,
But isn’t that wretchedness too ?
Thy burden on this earth
What use is thee without knowledge ?

Fear the cold innocence.
What you fear, you don’t know;
What you know, thee fear not.
Knowledge enlightens thy darkness,
The light burns the innocence
The light refines and polishes thee.

To break the innocence, aspire on.
Ponder and clutter thy mind with thoughts.
The release, the opening of the door to knowledge
Shall dawn when thy fear burns out completely.

The count of knowledge exceeds the grasp.
Is there ever a release then from fear ?
Is there an alternate to reverse the curse ?
The thoughts coarse and intense strike
The heart excited and depressed pleads
Show me the ultimate path o thee.

Eye, the Eye that contains the I;
Eye, more powerful than fire.
Thy gaze more penetrating than the strongest force,
The path to truth, the realization of the eye.

The two eyes serene, concealing aspiration,
the third burns silently, watching thy tempation.
The eye, thy mind, what difference do they have ?
The lord of ashes conceals it all.
The sovereign observer never sleeps,
the blue throated consciousness, ever aware
of even the billionth of the heat dissipated

Burn thyself and feed the ultimate eye;
Oh thee who never closes thy eye,
Tell me that this place isn’t baked by the poison in me.
Give me strength to bear the sting
To prolong, to proceed and to rise, to meet thy eye.

Wild thoughts engross the weaker mind,
Fight against and provide resistance,
Let thee be blessed by the ultimate intervention ;
For that is the only power to rely upon.
Rewarded will thee be, if thy aspiration persists.

Obstacles come and go,
Dissipation the motive, bringing down the silence,
Aspiration the antidote, to cure the morose.
Hang on and thee shall be spoken to.

Chant the name, the name that you love,
For every name bears the mark of the supreme,
Realize the identity in every entity,
For that is the stepping stone to the truth.

Analysis of the complex and the reason eludes,
But persist and thee shall see the true image;
Walk, without sleep and everything will fall into place,
And thee shall reach the point of no haze.

Fear is realization of ignorance;
Relight the fire of knowledge,
Burn it with thy aspiration,
Cream it with thy inner intuition
and ye shall be free of the monster forever.

Concentrate thy senses and focus in thy mind,
Pour the emotions in an unbroken stream
Upon the path to realization of the inner self,
he who he is and he is not everywhere,

Silence burns its way,
Pay attention and give more silence as food,
The agni shall rise and enlighten the day
Feel the truth that everything happens for good.

Pray to thee who is formless and yet has the perfect form,
Adore thee who is the self and the shadow,
Aspire for thee who has always lived and yet never aged,
Surrender thyself to the ultimate, a part of thyself too.

Without Aspiration wretched is thy soul, this decaying self ;
Meditation purifies Aspiration,
Silence pours ghee and supplies vigour to meditation ;
Without Aspiration silence means nothing.