The Chaotic-Neutron

I was waiting for a train, a normal day and I noticed that a kid, barely 4 years old, was trying so hard to get along with his brother and his friend. You could tell that he was not comfortable running as fast as he did or moving sideways like his brother could but it is the perseverance to keep up and to stick with the group that puzzled me. There is absolutely nothing new here. This is everyday scenario. But what is intriguing is that when we (all of us) were kids, the only thought that runs through our mind is to be part of the group, the popular, the happening click but as we get older, each of us yearn to create an identity for ourselves, distancing from the cliche, from the regular, trying so hard to be different.

Is this what you call maturity ? Is this the misconception that prevails ? If the intuitive thinking of kids was unblemished, would this not be its opposite ? Confusing yes, but life without questions is not worth living. And so we continue, searching …

All good things come to those who wait … Another way of saying, patience is a virtue.

Not often you find yourself in a deluge of things to do. Even if it is something you love doing. In this case, running till my legs feel numb and my mind can no longer contain the pain emanating through my body. Hopefully, it is my silver bullet that will bring me back to shape that I’ve been yearning for so long.

So anyway, my schedule for this crazy upcoming year goes like this:

September 12, 2010: Chicago Half Marathon
October 10, 2010: Chicago Full Marathon
October 30, 2010: Chicago Monster Half Marathon (A costumed fun run ?!)
November 14, 2010: Sears tower climb (103 floors!)
February 20, 2011: Austin Marathon
May 01, 2011: Big Sur international Marathon

And that should conclude my running spree for the next 2 years. I only hope that the training and my passion for my runs continue long enough to keep my body in shape and injury-free. Time will tell but like all things I do, my obsession has again got the better of me …

When I started this blog/site, I intended it to be a lot more than just personal updates. Of course, constraints on time have reduced me to doing just the opposite. And so to keep myself and my infrequent readers in the same page, I give you yet another personal update and a rant. I promise you that this will be the last in a series that have been unavoidable.

The last few weeks have gone by so fast and thinking back, I can see why. Lot of good things have happened the past month. I have officially graduated, have made progress on at least 2 journal and a conference paper and also successfully moved to Chicago without any major glitches. And that is leaving out all the juicy gory details leading to it. Time has lost its sense these days and I seem to be dreaming while I’m awake and sleeping when I’m not supposed to. Few more days of such revelry left before I start my job officially. And the impending urgency to get a car and the necessary paper work that goes with it only hastens the need for a damn license.

Enough thoughts forebearing, future unseen
Sneaks up and binds unsuspected.
In plain view the answer to my riddles,
Wilfully I keep searching incessantly.
And a simplical surd evolves. Just like that.

I casually reloaded by mail only to find a danger sign at the top of my webpage. First thought, do I have a virus ? Took me couple of seconds to realize that Google is very sensitive about its security and hence the icon.

A little too drastic I thought, but may be that is what’s necessary to prevent people shooting themselves in the foot and to keep snoopers at bay. Here’s a snapshot of the ominous gmail

Amongst many weaknesses in my short life, my obsession in music is still unsurpassed. I’d give up everything in my mind except the music because that is the only good thing that keeps me sane during the oddities and the twists that life throws at me. Good music elates, excites and brings out the best of moods in me. And I unwittingly do fall in love with the musician responsible for the beautiful feeling. The infactuation is even more appealing when the creator is pretty too.

That is just intense and heavenly. Makes me want to learn piano more than ever. Comes very close to my love for guitar and Satriani. May be, when I start working in Chicago, I’ll have enough time and resource to learn both properly… And again, time decides. What an endless cycle …

Yes. I am candid. And I feel obligated to post so that whoever feels desperate to know me, can understand. I figure, someone should…

Anyway, life has thrown me quite a few bumps along the past years but finally, its about time I reached my final destination. And a PhD just about defines it. Numerous has been the toil and endless the all-nighters but the prize, the reward is fulfilling. And its within a month’s grasp. On August 13th, I shall graduate officially with a PhD in Nuclear engineering with a job offer in hand. More on that later though.

I spent close to 3 months at home and it is hard to imagine a more appropriate time for that break. Am pretty sure that it will be hard to come by once I start my professional career but travel I hope will still drive me to take my mind off the beauty of math.

Lots more to say but it’ll just be wasted space… Maybe when I’m old enough, and can remember the good things, I might jot them down…

Another pebble in the river,
Unearthed in sands of time,
I feel fulfilled, satisfied when drunk
among friends who barely understand but withstand.

This psyche communicates better in code
than in a language foretold.
It is maybe the recursion, the patterns
that fit like solutions to a maze.

I stumble and bumble my way across,
stepping on foots of people misunderstood;
Numbers, alone, stay above, beyond criticism,
You get it or you just dont.

Amadeus, Pi, Matrix, Fight club, Inception,
Movies of infinite precision;
What I perceive, no one else does;
Childish yes but vast the possibility.

I have no regrets. I am what I am.
Folly is ye to interpret.

Came across this gem from Kipling and had to write about it. It concisely lays out the virtues of a great man. Just another stark reminder to all of us on how hard we need to strive to become a ‘Man’. And that too in plain simple words. Striking.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!

Tired and in bad need of more sleep, I was looking for quotes on numerical analysis and mathematical modeling for one of the main chapters in my Dissertation. Of course, everything I came across did not sound anywhere near perfect and so my search continues…

But, along the way, I stumbled upon another Dilbert gem. It’s on lateral thinking. I guess I’m so programmed these days to solving mathematical problems that as soon as I read the second cartoon, without even a forced thought, I’d already solved the puzzle in my mind. Then I read the next one and could not stop smirking for 10 mins. Literally.

I guess, I do need to loosen up a little. Even my marathons had some slow paced intervals. Only another week to go to D-day. And I’m not sure what will drive me this intensely, next …

I’ve been taking my body for granted recently and all the junk food and lack of sleep finally brought it down with a flu. While the desire to finish the dissertation triumphs, the mind can barely make sense of what I read on the screen. I must have slept more than 15 hours yesterday and that brought back life in to the body. But if only I can take my mind off the nagging headache …

Can’t remember the last time I felt this miserable. Less than a month to go for D-day and everything should get better from there…

Mozart. Amadeus. Wolfgang. Beautiful. Today was his birthday apparently and I found out just before the day was over. The coincidence is that I was listening to classical pieces all day long while doing my work and lingered around the works by Mozart for no apparent reason.

May be it was the only thing that was soothing, the wreck of a mind, in confusion and anxiety of the upcoming deadline. I do not know.

But when I found out about the coincidence, the reason for my sanity still being intact today, a serene feeling of appreciation fills me. Next time I have a drink, will toast a much belated one to him.

The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.
- Bob.

Beautifully put. A powerful thought in crisp and simple english. Feynmann would have loved it !

Btw, if you haven’t seen “Lost in Translation” do me a favor and watch it. There is nothing to regret there. When I find a lot of free time, I want to find a serene place in India or US or Nam or China or Japan even and spend a week, talking only to strangers…

I had an argument, in an elated state
Few years back, with someone who understood
The idea, but not through my eyes, a distorted palate,
Here I am again, watching, standing on what I believe.

This movie, a rebellion from mundane existence,
Far moved thoughts, than Matrix ever has.
Absolute resignation the key, to rise, to see,
An aghori created within,
To know, to discern Liberation.
Here’s another master piece, misunderstood.

This is another reason why I watch as many movies as I do and read as many fiction/poetry as I can get my hands on. May be I’m still searching for that affirmation for what I think I know…

Considering this is the start of a New Year and all, I thought the following quote was worth a mention:

“In another ten years we will look back on this decade with 2020 hindsight.”
- Anonymous