The dreadful mundane.

Amadeus

Finished?
Mozart:What?
The vaudeville, what do you think?
Mozart:Yes.
Can I see it?
Mozart:No.
Why not?
Mozart:Because there’s nothing to see.
I asked you if we could start rehearsals next week and you said yes.
Mozart:We can.
So let me see it. Where is it?
Mozart: Here. (Pointing to his head) It’s all right here in my noodle.
The rest is just scribbling. Scribbling and bibbling, bibbling and scribbling.

I say the same when I have a fantastic idea for a paper. Repetitively. It’s so beautiful in the mind, so perfect, un-obscured, and straight-forward, bright as an evening star. But the drudgeries of writing them down, the explanations and the unnecessary words to put it across seems mundane and annoying and hence I keep post-poning… Let someone come up with telepathy already and relieve me of the mundane. Let me just think and resolve while the superficial details unimportant, become unnecessary here forth…

Slow killing

The more I try to kill time, quieter it slips,
outlasts, survives, in the end killing me.
Always in motion, tardy, ephemeral moments
Growing entropy, a chain reaction,
No beginning nor any end.

You

Vain be ye, fool, ignorant, without questions,
Knowledge be ye, experience, taking first steps without a push,
Anguish be ye, steadfast, avoiding consequences,
Strength be ye, czar, ruling emotions without oscillations,
Woe be ye, ghora, roaming mortal worlds, with sophisticated rules,
Evolution be ye, yogi, free without facades,
Perseverance be ye, incessant, with only one focussed thought,
Serenity be ye, enlightened, tranquil without attachment,
Prayer be ye, shining, soul resplendent with flawless spirit,
Aspiration be ye, zealous, causing effects without actions,
Purity be ye, hemisphere, lifetime of search concluded,
Aghori be ye, kolaveri, adoring all, live or immortal without judgement,
Divine be ye, beloved, fulfilling with thou hallowed touch,
Eternal be ye, infinite, eventual part, the astounding fractal of life.

Particles do converge …

Fluid is life, flowing incessant, unyielding,
Punished by vagaries will, let the soft pass,
Supple yet dense, for forces hard.
Surreal the thought, pure the accomplishment.

A persona shines supreme, a soaring phoenix;
Thoughts beyond, change resisted, failed short,
Resplendent the mind image, intuition fought,
Fruitless an union, once.

A splinter in the mind’ eye,
Yearning, buried ‘midst work and play;
A heart torn asunder, resonant,
senses enriched, a beacon visible aloft.

Regret, pangs mounted, emotions billow,
flux, a future, a sublime moment past;
Experiences gained once, crumbled mountains to sands,
With time and resolve. A mail arose hence. So long.

A serene voice, outcome unexpected, connected link,
Inaccurate once perceived, the mind,
Blundered the sublime message, man blind,
A hallowed angel, salvaged one from the brink.

Discovered anew, aspiration and adoration,
To the quintessential essence, meditation, a consciousness,
To an oscillation, duality, a swan,
To my liberation, music, a magic flute,
To a reflection, beloved, a unique spirit.

We adore not a person perfect, only
realize an imperfect person perfectly.
Ye be the perfectly imperfect hemispheres,
Conjoined to form, a luminous, peerless yoke.
This shall be all our stories,
For always divine, the bond with any name.

Duality — the oscillations

All things occur in pairs; there is no light without the dark, no good without evil, no action without its reaction, no life without death. Perhaps it is enough to realize the union of the duality, the split personality of things that are an illusion, rather than delving deep into the segregated extrema. Or perhaps, the blatant maxim is to know the circle of life, intensifying from ignorance to enlightenment, separated only by an infinitesimal event horizon, while we surf the coaster once more.

I was hurt, psyche and body, repeatedly. But it’s nothing that a new laptop, more work, some physio, new wallet and cards/id can’t fix. I misunderstood. This year has been a test. A test on actions, morals assumed, resolve weakened, aspiration mocked and evolution impeded. The ride has spiralled me down to abysses named not, but every rise hence thereafter, takes one a spectra higher. Every time the nadir goes lower, higher the zenith rises. Understand now, every change invokes new experiences, immaterial the perception, simple and beautiful. No need to get emotions riled up for moments in vain or august, but feel relieved that there is a balance, eventual.

I ache for that balance at the end of the path. Inevitably we shall get there, now or another. I pray not for myself anymore but for those who pray, care for me. Perhaps it is the will that sustains, even long after you are gone, through infinite lives, to reunite and fulfill. A causality. A seed. Propagated through eternity till its fruition. Reminded yet again in movies, music, quotes, physics, math and everyday life. As long as life exists, this can’t stop. Try me heavens. Do your worst…

Awake. Again.

You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Every day, God gives us the sun–and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived that moment, that it doesn’t exist–that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that moment exists–a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

— Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

Speechless. Life has its odd ways of testing one’s resolve but when the moment of clarity does dawn, sieze it. Intuition always guides in the right path. They say, that it’s being impulsive but we are different. For better or worse, ignorant as often we are to see, follow without regrets, and perform that miracle.

I run. Why-o-Why ?

More often than I care, queried, the reasons endured,
Injury and therapy, without weary, managed, amidst muscles sore.
Two screws, titanium strong, sustain movement, each knees tried,
Unprofessional weakling forlorn, strengths born, in stride.

After conquering tasks, men abhorred,
I remember once again, reasons I run for;
It nourishes movement, a sloth died,
Pumps through my veins, makes me feel pride,
Slowly but surely, winds of change, pure,
A feeling lucidly reassured.

It moves me forward, to a future I see,
Teaches no regret for the expired,
I’ve left behind, retired,
And ahead the beautiful seasons before me.
Hope provided, life we think is sure,
It is yet more brittle and pure.

She wages, provides meaning once more
Subtler than words from a mind obscure.
Blatant the health revived, with sweat,
Sublime still the reasons, yet.
A final thought thus evolves,
Run thyself and realize my resolve.

For my writing, shy and barren,
do injustice to the feeling matured;
For the mind’ eye perceives,
an infinite unique possibilities.
Far more to be said, miles to be conquered,
races to be defeated, running life to be fulfilled.

A philosophy respected.

I’ve recommended taking in the good and bad with equal fervor for very long. That is because without experiencing the extremes, hitting rock-bottom and coming to terms with yourself seems futile. Of course, this is a very distorted way of getting there but it pushes the meta-physical in understanding chaos around you more precisely. Or that is perhaps what this illusioned mind thinks.

But when you can no longer compensate the good with the bad or vice-versa, it is time to give up both. After a recent disastrous incident, my urge to conquer the physical has been quite unsatisfied and involuntarily, I’ve been pushing myself more and more in the opposite direction. It took me time to realize the absurdity of this decision but never too late I hope. I’m realigning my focus on the physical and will push it again beyond a half, a full and even more. Perhaps an ultra ? Time will tell.

Cryptic ? No. Confused ? Yes. We all are …

Friends met and lost.

I feel sad. Friends are all I’ve had in my life to comfort. And I am going to be disconnected with few more today. It was my last day of physiotherapy, an ailing need after a knee surgery. And my therapists, lovely as they are, are also incredibly beautiful in their persona. Now that I’ve decided to move on, the chance of ever seeing/meeting them again might be a far off chance.

How many people do we meet everyday who change our lives in ways unfathomed. It was not just their act of helping me through my physical disability, even if it was their occupation, but it was much more. The mental support, a conversation that showed you care and a genuine interest in your patient’s life. And that, I can never do. Nor even remotely replicate. I am not selfish by any means but to maintain that kind of attachment to someone you’ve known for a short while makes me humble. Humble because they think that everyone at the clinic is worth it. Without judgement. Without bias.

Like best friends afar, I will miss another session. It is the most depressing times that brings closer the like minds. I will surely spit on anyone who says otherwise.

Relativity and irony.

I once almost lost my cell phone. It was one of those days when I was having a good time when my cell phone probably fell out of my jacket during transit in a taxi. But a gentleman passenger, made sure I got the phone back. Kudos to him. But the horrors that went through my mind before I got a call from him were bad. Why you ask ? I have a lot of information apart from just contacts on my phone. And you could probably access all my mails, my twitter, facebook and what not from that mobile. What makes you stronger also makes you vulnerable. And that I found ironic.

But there was a recent event, that has completely made me depressed and lifeless, which you could compare against the above in terms of the anxiety. I (my house) got robbed over the weekend. They took my laptop, an external drive and some other random things. They left the TV. I would whole-heartedly exchange my TV, my bike, my books, my microwave and a few other things just to get my laptop back. Not for the laptop itself but for what it contains. It was my companion on so many days/nights, it helped me through some tough times at work, and it holds the key to most of what I’ve done in the past two years. It is heart breaking to know that it is all gone and the horrors return.

It would have been a consolation to at least have the external disk around, which contains all the back-ups of my work. But that is gone too. When you can’t even save anything in your own home for safe keeping, what can you depend on ? And being as attached to the work as I am, it only intensifies the pain. I am 3 months away from renewing my position and now I am behind on my schedule to finish 2 more papers. This might not have a happy ending.

At the end of the day, losing a laptop just hurts so much more than losing a phone. And that is relativity for the un-initiated. The beauty of physics is that the most purest of the theories are great philosophies too. And there I shall end this post. Still moping…