To tirupati and back

This is a story like thing that i wrote now to express everything i felt about the tirupati trip … the trip was beautiful .. dont know whether i used the right words here to express them but the feeling is still very strong inside me …

I had been to Tirupati yesterday for priyanka’s marriage and it was a kind of a perfect experience out there.. It is said that Tirupati is always full of surprises ! I realised that it will make you disbeleive about free will and will teach you life in really weird but obvious ways …

Me, Bals and Demi started off from here on tuesday and just made it for the bus. We didnt have any kind of food ( time constraints as usual hehe 🙂 ) except for a plate of Idli just before leaving .. ok ! a very peaceful bus ride and we landed there by about 3. We had plans to climb up to have the darshan and so we tried for tickets… i havent been to tirupati in a long time and on looking at one of the queue lost hope for getting any darshan .. A sign board near the queue read “Darshan : 12 AM Thursday”. I thought ok ! Venki has screwed us all !

Demi was in no mood to climb up and so he desperately prayed not to get the tickets while bals did otherwise. Very funny situation actually. Then demi noticed that the queue was for the free darshan and sudharshan darshan tickets are near the foothill. we went there and got the tickets aramse 🙂 Best part was that Demi who didnt want to go up, showed us the path to go up. i felt short of words on that !

We started our trek in the cold, biting and inviting atmosphere there. Hungry and wanting to reach the top before 6 in the morning, we started off right away. All you guys know about my leg right … Its freakin fragile right now or that’s what i thought until the minute i started climbing the steps to have the darshan. I was running through the stairs, running like crazy until i felt the toll of the smoker’s lung on my stamina. frantic for air, we stood there, just 200 steps from the ground. I counted 3500 more to go. hmm … You could have guessed how much hope i would have had then. Demi had dizziness then, bals felt like vomiting and i was totally exhausted. We sat there and there was this couple who passed by us, and noticing that all of us were done for, gave us a bottle of water and some fruits. Felt weird on that kind of an act from a total stranger to a totally lost bunch of random guys ..

We walked on, and on, tired and seeing more and more steps losing hope completely. My leg was hurting badly and my back too felt weak because of the stress. But there was something on everybody’s face around us that kept me going. The faith or whatever you want to call that was too very strong to let anyone down in that place. I felt miserable and then i quickly got the enthu to start off again and run against the pain. There was a stage where there were only three more steps to reach a flat area where i could rest or sit but my body and legs was so tired that i couldn’t move from the step i was standing in. I watched not knowing what to do, whether to sit right there or to jump in vain to touch the flat surface and accomplish something worthy. Images flashed, and i said f*** you to myself against all the pain that i felt and peacefully reached the flat place. best part was that i didnt want to rest once i reached there. The aspiration was not willing to quench itself for the measly 3 steps and it kept pushing me until i felt really tired, some 150 steps from where i had started. i felt i was acting foolishly, screwing up my body in the process but it struck me on what is this body worth if the pain, a product of the aspiration cannot be fought against.

We kept walking and we reached the 6th mountain. Its called “The Knee breaker” ! hmmm. well after seeing all that had happened before, this one, a continous monster of about 600 steps felt like a meadow. We just grazed through the way, and made it to the top in no time. Perseverance paid off !

At last we reached Tirumala at around 7 in the morning. Walked to the lodge where the guys were staying and wanted to sleep. the best part was that i couldnt sleep. the excitement, the hunger, the memory of this travel remained, and kept me alive ..

We attended priyanka’s marriage and then went to have darshan. We entered the queue at around 12. There was a sort of rugby match going on in there. People crowding and fighting to get in front of a 60 year old guy to have the darshan first, just before the turn to entrance of inner sanctum. I felt ugly and sick then. Everyone was fighting literally, not that it is something that i am seeing new but then, it suddenly didn’t make sense any more, on why would people want to have darshan first and not wait for an extra minute for having waited for 6 hours ? None of that made sense. Is that precious minute more critical than allowing a 60 year old guy, who endured the wait alongside us also, to pass by first ? Anyway, we finally had the chance to see venki at 5.40. I wanted to pray about so many things, wanted to tell him so many things but when the time came, when the darshan happened, the mind was blank… the eyes saw the image, the mind couldn’t imagine anything else, couldn’t think of anything else, just watched and i came out. and there ends the episode.

very blank now and relaxed than ever before. feeling very free. many of the questions i had have been answered. no guilt, no regret. desires do remain still. waiting to burn them away soon …

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Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing ?
When will we learn to control ?
The inner child cries with grief
What do we do to break this impenetrable wall ?

Asatyam in the air, deceiving every moment,
Innocence leads to the trap, again and again.
The hope for the truth to dawn shall succeed
and all knowledge shall be conquered with Him.

Why these images come back
torturing without peace to raise questions ?
Where thee lead me, i follow
Itham aham sarvam itham.
Itham rudram sarvam sivam. OM.

Her

Why this obsession again ? Question haunt ;
What has thee unlearnt to forget this ?
Where has thy knowledge vanished ?
How to test now if its real ?

The talk hums still, but unreal
The voice fragile and echoing through the body
Serene face flashes in memory
Grief overtakes on seeing the eyes this deep.

This life or the next is a mystery
Avoiding thoughts on sham
The question reflect, asking for sense
Answer eludes me and blankness shrouds now.

This innocence pains badly
What penance has this soul to undergo
To reach the bliss of seeing thee ?
Oh my beloved savior, give me the answer.