The Chaotic-Neutron

Yesterday, had the privilege of attending an opera, one by the greatest composers of all time, Wolfgang, his last. It was beautiful, the setting, the music and the execution. Delightful. Made me get out of my seat again and again for I couldn’t stay still in the ecstasy of the experience. The story in itself is woven around a couple in love, and their eventual journey to overcome the ordeals of a union, to face their family, to conquer death together. Enlightened and united, they are initiated into the temple of wisdom, ruled over by Osiris and Isis. Here’s a short synopsis.

I knew about the act that involved an Aria by the Queen of the night, even before I went in. I was looking forward to it and wasn’t disappointed. It enraptures one and leaves you speechless in its highest tempo and emotions conveyed.

The Queen is persuading her daughter to not join her mortal enemy Sarastro or fall in love with prince Tamino who has become part of Sarastro’s wisdom clan. A translation of the conversation by the Queen is below.

The vengeance of Hell boils in my heart,
Death and despair flame about me!
If Sarastro does not through you feel
The pain of death,
Then you will be my daughter nevermore.
Disowned may you be forever,
Abandoned may you be forever,
Destroyed be forever
All the bonds of nature,
If not through you
Sarastro becomes pale! (as death)
Hear, Gods of Revenge,
Hear a mother’s oath!

Sublime. Such intensity and passion in music. And the F’s flailing about and the Queen delivering her emotion with depth that only an opera well written can showcase.

A heart bulges with emotions, of something familiar, with music scales rising and falling, a story one can understand, an aspiration binds two far away souls to connect and conquer even death on the quest for wisdom. I wish a magic flute would present itself to me, to make everyone merry and burn away thoughts sombre.

A great cast and a wonderful performance. I’m very glad that I didn’t miss it.

For the past few days, I’ve indulged myself in my work, more unusually, more intensely than my recent memories serve. The price I paid was with sleep and food. But a sudden realization came through today. Having oneself deprived of food, brings about a self so acute, senses on the edge, to quickly see what needs to be done. More quickly than a sated mind ever perceives. Yes, the blood sugar drops, no doubt, but the body survives on more than just your daily glucose. I learnt that while running, I learn that while pushing the self. Perhaps it is the mind’s way of coping up and optimizing to do tasks more efficiently.

I pondered once on the idea of fasting. I was intrigued then. There are those who wish they didn’t have to fast, all over the world, while in parallel, others do because they are compelled. I see why now. Even the sages did it. Even imbibed it as part of a belief system, in lands across. In depriving oneself of the pleasure, of food, the sustenance, there is a certain sense of introspection that arrives unforeseen. It doesn’t necessitate deep meditation nor self denial by other means but it comes from the primal need. Any abstinence, has its purest cofactor that is undeniable. Tangible and so thick that it can’t be ignored.

I understand now because I was famished. I could have eaten anything in sight. Organic, inorganic, living or dead. I could’ve eaten metal. I tried to eat paper. But I managed to bring sense into myself to get a decent order to take home and relish after a hard day but the journey home, on an empty stomach was not easy. It was only just over twelve hours since my last meal but the food in my car emanated a perfume I couldn’t resist, one which I had to endure for another hour’s drive. It wasn’t easy. I couldn’t imagine something more rigorous on the mind and visions filtered through …

I once quoted:

There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted.

I thought I understood. But again, it’s all relative. We constantly push the realms and unexpected as this was, took my reality for a spin to bring me back to senses. Fasting, a delirious feeling inevitable, teaches much. Restraints, denial, perseverance and strength. Of course, the taste of the food itself is immaterial for it always is as heavenly as it could be…

You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Every day, God gives us the sun–and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived that moment, that it doesn’t exist–that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that moment exists–a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

– Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

Speechless. Life has its odd ways of testing one’s resolve but when the moment of clarity does dawn, sieze it. Intuition always guides in the right path. They say, that it’s being impulsive but we are different. For better or worse, ignorant as often we are to see, follow without regrets, and perform that miracle.

Its the weirdest thing. I was watching a Korean movie and something popped out as very deep. The exact lines were

“If you chase something to get something, something else will come chasing you.”.

Paraphrasing that, “what you are passionate about is passionate about you too”. It is quite true in a sense (unexplainable unless you’ve been there) and scary. I guess I never realized it in that way but it makes perfect sense. Physically and philosophically…

Now I remember why I watch all these foreign movies …

It is funny how my recent posts always seem to revolve around either music or food or running or my work. And I think this is because when you are mature and when you feel the life’s pinch, it is only those qualities that sustain you on your everyday journey that excite you enough to go on.

And this is one of those days. Its been a very long week. I am tired with work (I just keep taxing myself with things to do; its not a bad thing in the long run though !) and ache for a vacation. I half-heartedly partied all weekend to only become really tired afterwards. But here I stand, above my expectations, nourished by a wonderful curry chicken with the most adorable flavors of red peppers, mustard, asfoetida, cilantro, carrots, onions, tomatoes, garlic, ginger and chicken. She is unique. I’ve never, ever tasted such magnificence in a restaurant and I doubt that even I could reproduce this. Driven by smell, and beauty, I derive and drive these creations. And never has she deceived me.

This post is a dedication to her. My taste buds, my food sense, bow to what my brain can conjure to enslaven the five senses. And before that, I stand, humble, obliged and small.

Cutting through the morose of every day life, without the beauty of art or music, Life would bear very less excitement. No matter how many crutches we might use, it still cannot elate as a beautiful piece of music could. You have your favorites. And it differs from person to person. I have many but still always come back to Devasabhathalam. It is beautiful in its tempo, tune, lyrics and mood. It elates. It brings one up even when depressed. It fulfills when Life seems empty. It provides meaning.

You might not feel the same. But I could care very less. Maybe the Eminem song released yesterday might titillate you in a similar way. And that is precisely the point. If I were to die today, I will like to hear the last 3 minutes of this song in my head before I pass away peacefully. And that defines greatness in music.

It’s only on the brink that people find the will to change; only on the precipice that we evolve. This is our moment – don’t take it from us.
– The day the earth stood still

Another one of those things that is so right on the point. Its cliched to say ‘Necessity is the mother of invention’ but putting it in different words as above lends new meaning and purpose.

I’ve learnt that all best thoughts have already been said before. And that’s why I am proud to do my re-search. And it is why I thrive on great quotes. Kudos to the great minds before and after me.

Without that final edge, how mundanely bleak an occurrence this would be. And with or without an external change, it really is about time to rethink the possibilities…

Again, Aronofsky, that insane mind of his came up with the right edge to cut through the crass in my mind. It is a beautiful movie. On the surface, it is a story about a washed out wrestler, at his nadir, hoping to redeem himself of his past mistakes. But time heals, hardens and keels the right and wrong decisions of one’s life. When Randy the ‘Ram’ realizes that he is alone, as all of us are at the end of the day in facing facts of life, he turns to the one thing he is passionate about, even if eventuality dictates his death.

And that is breath-taking. Not just because it portrays every other man’s life in essence, but it proves the validity of one my favorite sayings:

Blessed is he who has found his work; let him ask no other blessedness.
– Thomas Carlyle

No matter how much I try to divert myself in other activities, it always comes back to yielding satisfaction from my work. It is trivial in the bigger picture, I understand, but without something as pure, what could appease a mind in chaos ? It cannot be money, or power, or a woman or even heaven. They seem like a burden even and portray a muddled picture.

And such is the power of a good movie. It provides the reason to introspect without which, humans would still be apes. Imagination IS more important than knowledge. Thanks AL.

‘Requiem for a dream’. I don’t know whether it is my love for Aronofsky’s movies or whether the concept of it. Or the soundtrack he masterfully selects to haunt in the background. But I see most subtle beauty in it when all I’ve heard is bleak, depressing after thoughts from people seen it through their eyes. Given that it is not the feel good movie of the decade, it has a certain elegance in its portrayal of the human affliction in essence, to please, to be addicted, to feel life, to earn, and to survive. There are no depressing thoughts in this world, only ones that give you a fresh perception of better days. And often, this is unrealized, tangled in facades of transient pleasures, leaving us to choke when the cusp of life faces your naked mentality.

Without lateral thoughts, without necessity, without pain, what a dull life this would be. Experiment. Lose yourself. And fight hard to find yourself. The search, inevitable, the only path to realization.

Yes. I was hurt recently. Not mentally. Its been a while since I’ve taken that punishment. But physically. And that still hurts. On top of that, being told that you need another surgery, something you went through already (although not the same one) does not bring one up. Given the depressing weather, it doesn’t help either.

But cooking. The divine smell, the transcendent taste of food, the 6 inches of space that controlled man’s fate so far, eventhough unrealized, still changes my fate. I’ve been told that I’m a good cook but its unrealized until it brings you back up with making a grand dinner on a depressing day. In my opinion, very few people share the same passion towards two different aspirations but for some reason, I contradict this in some way. If I was not good at what I do right now (along the lines of applied physics/mathematics), I would be a chef, or an adrenaline junkie. And all of them elate me equally. Unfortunate ?

The beauty about life is that it seems so complicated, with unimaginable results but given enough simple assumptions, it is completely predictable. But of course, this is hindsight. I have run so far, still long to run another million miles but limited by the endurance. Unfortunate, yes. But the reality outweighs the thought. I will run again. Another surgery or not. I shall run another 10 marathons until I hit 3:10. And I shall run that Boston marathon with pride, with a screw in each of my leg. Take that Life !

Its cliched, yes. “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. Time will tell. Until then, I will rest and enjoy the unpredictable, beautiful chaotic events that elate me…

Amongst many weaknesses in my short life, my obsession in music is still unsurpassed. I’d give up everything in my mind except the music because that is the only good thing that keeps me sane during the oddities and the twists that life throws at me. Good music elates, excites and brings out the best of moods in me. And I unwittingly do fall in love with the musician responsible for the beautiful feeling. The infactuation is even more appealing when the creator is pretty too.

That is just intense and heavenly. Makes me want to learn piano more than ever. Comes very close to my love for guitar and Satriani. May be, when I start working in Chicago, I’ll have enough time and resource to learn both properly… And again, time decides. What an endless cycle …

Tired and in bad need of more sleep, I was looking for quotes on numerical analysis and mathematical modeling for one of the main chapters in my Dissertation. Of course, everything I came across did not sound anywhere near perfect and so my search continues…

But, along the way, I stumbled upon another Dilbert gem. It’s on lateral thinking. I guess I’m so programmed these days to solving mathematical problems that as soon as I read the second cartoon, without even a forced thought, I’d already solved the puzzle in my mind. Then I read the next one and could not stop smirking for 10 mins. Literally.

I guess, I do need to loosen up a little. Even my marathons had some slow paced intervals. Only another week to go to D-day. And I’m not sure what will drive me this intensely, next …

Mozart. Amadeus. Wolfgang. Beautiful. Today was his birthday apparently and I found out just before the day was over. The coincidence is that I was listening to classical pieces all day long while doing my work and lingered around the works by Mozart for no apparent reason.

May be it was the only thing that was soothing, the wreck of a mind, in confusion and anxiety of the upcoming deadline. I do not know.

But when I found out about the coincidence, the reason for my sanity still being intact today, a serene feeling of appreciation fills me. Next time I have a drink, will toast a much belated one to him.

The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.
- Bob.

Beautifully put. A powerful thought in crisp and simple english. Feynmann would have loved it !

Btw, if you haven’t seen “Lost in Translation” do me a favor and watch it. There is nothing to regret there. When I find a lot of free time, I want to find a serene place in India or US or Nam or China or Japan even and spend a week, talking only to strangers…

Saw Avatar today and was blown away by the cinematography and special effects. The story itself was almost predictable yet very distinct from the usual junk I’ve seen recently. Although it does remind one of ‘Dancing with the wolves’, the Avatar takes it to a whole new extent, a realm beyond mere physical restrictions, to capture the harmony of every life on a planet, a symbiosis, a reminder of what this Universe might be. String theorists and philosophers alike are trying to find the link that connects us all, human and plants, living and extinct, visible and the intangible. And here, another stark reminder that we are probably probing in the wrong dimensions.

Anyway, this is definitely the best movie I’ve seen this year… Wait, when did the ‘Dark Knight’ premiere ? I guarantee that it is bound to get couple of academy awards and will revolutionize many a movie to come.

I have to watch it again, may be in IMAX 3D now to catch the subtleties I missed the last time.