The Chaotic-Neutron

• Graded 40 papers of undergraduate students, and being the first time, made sure i got this right, with enough comments, and not being too mean. And yeah, everyone was satisfied, including my prof !
• Completed 3 homework assignments, in 624, 606 and Math 602 ! And did them well too !
• Finished a lab report for 606 on a single night. It came out well though i found out that i failed to discuss some things that were required .. Well i guess that is just the downside of working with deprived sleep.
• And yeah, the Research work for my proposal. The code came out quite well and i solved the equations right. The answer is still not right but working on it. Definitely a huge step forward and i am finally understanding clearly on what i am doing !
• My home computer crashed. But the hardware guy in me ripped open the computer and fixed it ! Voila ! Now it works like a breeze …

The only weirdest part is that my back hurts badly due to the averaged out 4 hours of sleep every day. Think this might be a bit too much for the body to handle right now but my mind seems to be calm and sane enough ! hmm … Can’t wait for this day to get over. Would love to go home, cook something, probably get drunk and sleep like a maniac.

And there was my life this week in a nutshell. Adios amigo ! Will be back soon

Energy, the ultimate, untouchable yet filling,
Stored yet just hoarded, the potential unrealized
In every grain, that thrives and vibrates
In unison with everything else around it.

The split personality that it essentially is
The dark and its opposite
The vibrant and the calm
The visible and the imperceptible.

The overwhelming feeling of power over body
Surely wanes as the energy dies out
No food nor drink can refill this cup
Unless a higher path is reached and felt.

Unrest descends only to waste away
This conserved momentum and energy
If not consumed by the ascending mind
To break the body into divine shape.

A month, i’d be: September
A day of the week i’d be: Friday
A time of day, i’d be: 00.00
A planet, i’d be: Mars
An animal, i’d be: a Sloth
A direction, i’d be: NEWS
A piece of furniture, i’d be: a Bed
A historical figure, i’d be: Socrates
A liquid, i’d be: Whisky
A tree, i’d be: Willow
A bird, i’d be: Eagle
A tool, i’d be: Screw
A kind of weather, i’d be: Rain
A musical instrument, i’d be: Guitar
An wild animal, i’d be: Tiger
A color, i’d be: Deep Purple
A vegetable, i’d be: a tomato
A sound, i’d be: a Scream
An element, i’d be: Fire
A car, i’d be: Ferrari FX ( Ferrari Enzo )
A song, i’d be: Serenity – Godsmack
A movie, i’d be: The Matrix
A book, i’d be: foghorn
A food, i’d be: an Ice-Cream
A place, i’d be: Outside
A material, i’d be: Cotton
A taste, i’d be: New
A scent, i’d be: Pleasant
A word, i’d be: Aspire
An object, i’d be: a Computer
A body part, i’d be: Lips
A facial expression, i’d be: Smiling
A subject in school, i’d be: Math
A cartoon character, i’d be: Dilbert
A shape, i’d be a: Sphere
A number, i’d be: 7

I’m sorry I was late,
I saw a sleek seduction
as I was drinking up.

He talked of manual work
and made it rather clear
that he was very fit.

She watched him with sly eyes,
changing tales to meet
his ‘simple’ expectations.

She played along the bar,
was lounging to his class,
her elegance denied.

That’s when I had to leave:
so I doubt I’ll ever know
if seduction met success.

via Dylan Harris . Slick and Crisp.

Just as usual, the assignments started pouring in,
Classes started early in the day and life went on.
But what is this new task i need to take care now ?!
Research ! Wow ! Wahoo ..

Just started on my research and even before i reached the tip of the mountain base, i already have 6 papers in my hand and more books to read in my shelf ! And here i go …

Book One: The Book of Beginnings
Canto One: The Symbol Dawn

It was the hour before the Gods awake.
Across the path of the divine Event
The huge foreboding mind of Night, alone
In her unlit temple of eternity,
Lay stretched immobile upon Silence’ marge.
Almost one felt, opaque, impenetrable,
In the sombre symbol of her eyeless muse
The abysm of the unbodied Infinite;
A fathomless zero occupied the world.
Between the first and the last Nothingness,
Recalling the tenebrous womb from which it came,
Turned from the insoluble mystery of birth
And the tardy process of mortality
And longed to reach its end in vacant Nought.
As in a dark beginning of all things,
A mute featureless semblance of the Unknown
Repeating for ever the unconscious act,
Prolonging for ever the unseeing will,
Cradled the cosmic drowse of ignorant Force
Whose moved creative slumber kindles the suns
And carries our lives in its somnambulist whirl.
Athwart the vain enormous trance of Space,
Its formless stupor without mind or life,
A shadow spinning through a soulless Void,
Thrown back once more into unthinking dreams,
Earth wheeled abandoned in the hollow gulfs
Forgetful of her spirit and her fate.
The impassive skies were neutral, empty, still.
Then something in the inscrutable darkness stirred;
A nameless movement, an unthought Idea
Insistent, dissatisfied, without an aim,
Something that wished but knew not how to be,
Teased the Inconscient to wake Ignorance.
A throe that came and left a quivering trace,
Gave room for an old tired want unfilled,
At peace in its subconscient moonless cave
To raise its head and look for absent light,
Straining closed eyes of vanished memory,
Like one who searches for a bygone self
And only meets the corpse of his desire.
It was as though even in this Nought’s profound,
Even in this ultimate dissolution’s core,
There lurked an unremembering entity,
Survivor of a slain and buried past
Condemned to resume the effort and the pang,
Reviving in another frustrate world.
An unshaped consciousness desired light
And a blank prescience yearned towards distant change.
As if a childlike finger laid on a cheek
Reminded of the endless need in things
The heedless Mother of the universe,
An infant longing clutched the sombre Vast.
Insensibly somewhere a breach began:
A long lone line of hesitating hue
Like a vague smile tempting a desert heart
Troubled the far rim of life’s obscure sleep.
Arrived from the other side of boundlessness
An eye of deity peered through the dumb deeps;
A scout in a reconnaissance from the sun,
It seemed amid a heavy cosmic rest,
The torpor of a sick and weary world,
To seek for a spirit sole and desolate
Too fallen to recollect forgotten bliss.
Intervening in a mindless universe,
Its message crept through the reluctant hush
Calling the adventure of consciousness and joy

Searching for something i lost, not knowing what,
The endless path leads away into maze unresolved
Rising from the abyss, learning the ways
Following the heart like His words untold.

This feeling of being lost amidst friends
Keeps coming back for they are not in resonance
With the mind that holds this thought and tends
Creating the visions and pushing me to do this penance.

The youthful exuberance, gnawing at the core
Draws out the vicious hate and fears and makes it sore.
I find out ways to calm this with music and books
But there lies something beyond waiting to relieve me off the hooks.

What ? Where ? I do not know. Tell me the answer.
This Life so short feels so filling and perfect.
Still wishes go unaccounted for but still somehow right
Do i need something more or do i have it in my sight ?

Words roll like dice unbiased,
And mind manipulates it for the right face
But the true thought shines so bright that i fear
Its intensity and the meaning it conveys cuts like a shear.

Pretending to be confused, i tag along,
But realization descends and i fear not, the death
That relieves this mortal path and brings immortality
But neither do i hate this life, i bear in me.

Whatever the answer, i wait, patiently,
And there comes these times when i do suffer
And the endurance thins out like mist on a sunny day
But that something untouched, holds me still in place.

Once Mahesh told me that after reaching a certain level of consciousness, he started understanding verses as complex as the ones in Savitri without having to read back a previous line. That comes with the maturity of the mind.

I had tried reading Savitri once before but found it too difficult to focus. But now, everything is very intuitive and seems to make beautiful sense. I am dancing at the poetry and it fills up my heart like the divine ocean.

Here is an excerpt from Savitri.

“As a star, uncompanioned, moves in heaven
Travelling infinity by its own light,
The great are strongest when they stand alone.
A God-given might of being is their force,
A ray from self’s solitude of light the guide;
The soul that can live alone with itself meets God;
Its lonely universe is their rendezvous.
A day may come when she must stand unhelped
On a dangerous brink of the world’s doom and hers,
Carrying the world’s future on her lonely breast,
Carrying the human hope in a heart left sole
To conquer or fail on a last desperate verge,
Alone with death and close to extinction’s edge.
Must cross alone a perilous bridge in Time
And reach an apex of world-destiny
Where all is won or all is lost for man.
In that tremendous silence lone and lost
Of a deciding hour in the world’s fate,
In her soul’s climbing beyond mortal time
When she stands sole with Death or sole with God
Apart upon a silent desperate brink,
Alone with her self and death and destiny
As on some verge between Time and Timelessness
When being must end or life rebuild its base,
Alone she must conquer or alone must fall.
No human aid can reach her in that hour,
No armoured god stand shining at her side.
Cry not to heaven, for she alone can save.
For this the silent Force came missioned down;
In her the conscious Will took human shape:
She only can save herself and save the world.
O queen, stand back from that stupendous scene,
Come not between her and her hour of Fate.
Her hour must come and none can intervene:
Think not to turn her from her heaven-sent task,
Strive not to save her from her own high will.
Thou hast no place in that tremendous strife;
Thy love and longing are not arbiters there;
Leave the world’s fate and her to God’s sole guard.
Even if he seems to leave her to her lone strength,
Even though all falters and falls and sees an end
And the heart fails and only are death and night,
God-given her strength can battle against doom
Even on a brink where Death alone seems close
And no human strength can hinder or can help.
Think not to intercede with the hidden Will,
Intrude not twixt her spirit and its force
But leave her to her mighty self and Fate.”

Yup. Life goes on. My semester holidays are all consumed up now. Not much more time left before the hectic schedule repeats itself for another 4 months to come. My spring semester starts tomorrow and things are not going to be the same, i’m sure !

Things to do for this semester.

1. Many important courses for both my research and my Ph.D qualifier. So crack them.
2. Prepare for my Ph.D qualifier due in September. Don’t have much time left to idle away anymore.
3. See if i can work out something so that i can go back to India this summer.
4. Work my ass out on the research and do something constructive before the sem ends.

Well, these things are easier said than done. I know. But 4 months from now, let me come back to this post and see what i’ve been able to do.

Here starts the new sem …

This site has got some information which i have thought over for quite some time, but didnt have time enough to write it in detail or even post it on my site !

Well i present to you a site which discusses the meaning of the movie “The Matrix” and its successors ! Some of the things really are stale but some view points really freaked me out .. I am not yet completely done but till what i’ve read, definitely much much better than most explanations i’ve seen in other places on the web ! Go for it !

All these buzz words make me sick.

Excerpt :

They really do. I am so fucking tired of having to keep up with them, as if it is a must for my job. And the million and one things that come out everyday, this open source produces more products than the rabbits fucking and multiplying and producing baby rabbits and you know how fast the rabbits multiply. I am simply overwhelmed. Simply overwhelmed.

Words well spoken. Anyone who has undergone an exponential Knowledge curve in a short time to keep pace with what is happening around you, while working on things that are volatile, would feel the tingling sensation right down to the spine …

Read this through. Interesting that someone was able to figure something like that out ! Kudos to the scientists !

But the more i think about it, can’t imagine how dreadful it can be on a journey when i’m thrown out of earth when Earth completely manages to stop rotating !

Not a special reason to appreciate the Drew carey show or “Whose line is it anyway ?” ! But just sighted a line from one of Drew Carey’s shows.

Here goes.

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey

This guy Rocks ! Made it a point, not to miss this one at 1.30 AM every day … Cool !

This is what i would call “Lateral Reasoning” !