Dreams, aspirations what make thee
The life’s sole push that drives and moves
What all we want endlessly remains the key
The beauty, intricately woven shapes the path.

The dream, the vision of an unknown life
The subconscious instruction speaking uncontrolled
Burning the fire withing, incessantly without strife
The will burns, changing future of everyone felt betrayed.

As one speaks, dreams change me,
Going with the flow desired, willed;
That which is everything shall move and satisfy thee,
This hope shall not fade away even if now killed.

Clear and blank, thoughts pour in one by one.
Truly alone, with me and my solitude,
Feeling so complete with joy even when nothing is yet done
I now know, see, that which troubled with certitude.

The silent bullet in the heart
Burning ever so lightly, eating away the thought
The cause, my passion for an illusion
Led me astray with vagaries and delusion.

Software, computers, one of what i Love,
Maybe for all eternity i shall crave;
This Hole, Enterprise, Organisation will not save,
The motive nurtured to the grave.

What is the difference at the end of the day
All this and that, existing here and there
It always seems so simple but lots more to say
Wrong it might be, unknowingly breaking boundaries I do not dare.

The difference between chaos and serenity
The difference between day and night
So clear, what i am searching for in absolute vicinity
The riddle complete containing the answer is still a fight.

The clue, the sphere and circle
The ultimate shape of matter’s least resistance
End reality, the beginning illusion is the cycle
All ye extremes do meet at infinity.

What is the difference between meditation and concentration ?
Only Fire that burns holds the key; With it, Heat concentrates and without that,
Nothing burns anymore, for thee.

Past, the treasure of knowledge
And future, no different than Past in reverse
Both speak the truth, the only truth
Yet the mind ignorant does not see.

Trace the past, at each previous step
A truth unfolds, a part of the big picture
Every step back, enlarges the view
But the panorama locked behind the blackhole.

If the origin was the blackhole
Where thoughts and Light escape not
Then if the biggest view is the abyss
What shines and what does not ?

The blankness, devoid of emotions
In sync with the blackness of origins
That which creates and kills
We only see what we will.

If the eyes are closed, does the mind shut down ?
Doesn’t darkness shroud with scary silence ?
Black yet not so black, figures waiting to emerge ;
Is lack of silence, silence still ?

What does the earth hold not,
to cringe the mind forever in innocence..
Till the last breath exhaled
desperation to gain knowledge, decreases not.

The war against thy inner mind.
Who is the foe, thee know not.
In the end, the foe stays silent,
long after ye has slept forever.

Miniscule pleasure leaping with the heart,
Wouldn’t these blocks produce the august monstrosity ?
Answer eludes as always, loneliness remains,
silent in this prison, impatiently waiting for thee.

Like waves, high tides lashing continually,
the feeling keeps coming back again.
There exists not words to explain them,
abstract as they are, thoughts but realized.

What thee hold not, Love covers it ;
The desire of knowledge for omniscience stays
but in vain, blinded and short sighted,
Living in this shell trapped forever.

LOVE. A definition exists, not in words ;
The mental, physical and the metaphysical union,
striking pulses through flesh and nerve
seeming thy heart can hold more than earth doth offer.

HATE. Contrasting feelings, negations balance,
all that is loved is equally hated.
Rage and chemicals soar high with reactions
failing unknowingly to see the truth beneath as always !

This realization, the fork of the mind,
origins remain the same yet split to convolute ;
Innocence adds strength to the difference,
still the tangible truth ever clear stays bright.

If being in Love is to consume the mind,
with thoughts on thy precious
how Hate differs, torturing the mind,
with emotions negated on thy precious ?

Unseen truth remains, Hate is not illusion that covers
but that does not, over the mind, like grass in a meadow.
Love fills thoughts and Hate alike,
Is there an anomaly, i see nor know not yet.

Yoga the control of the thoughts, which brings the ability to perceive the physical and mental unity, the path to realisation, is not plain as usual. It is an exercise, for the mind, to train it, to understand the intricacies and to feel one with it.

When i say, ‘like an exercise’, i mean so literally. I have realised that any exercise if practised with vigor and then discontinued for whatever reason for any short period of time shall degrade the effect and the bearer drastically. It is a sharp infinite knife over which caution is needed at every step, all through the way till the end aspiration has been reached. In essence, if yoga is practiced and the mind has been made to filter and ignore perversions, desire and other thoughts which bring morose, then beware when you even unknowingly quit it. The perversions as Mahesh puts it comes back with a vengeance and is more powerful knowing that you are weak without protection now. The mind works in subtle ways and shall fall prey to the atrocious and dark perversions which will take years to cleanse.

Mahesh goes through it now but i know not what he feels. When i cannot understand myself completely, how can i possibly judge another mind ?! The truth is blatant though but the answer seems far far away. Pressing ahead in this war against desire, hate, perversion, love and what not, I shall succeed. But when and at what cost(does it matter ?) I do not know.

The one who smears ashes on His body, hear me
Aspiration hard and burning,
The perverted crust melting,
The flow in the path beneath
I goest in thy way to reach thee ..

Bliss of silence descend down to me.
But without peace, it wreaks havoc,
Words inadequate.

This is a story like thing that i wrote now to express everything i felt about the tirupati trip … the trip was beautiful .. dont know whether i used the right words here to express them but the feeling is still very strong inside me …

I had been to Tirupati yesterday for priyanka’s marriage and it was a kind of a perfect experience out there.. It is said that Tirupati is always full of surprises ! I realised that it will make you disbeleive about free will and will teach you life in really weird but obvious ways …

Me, Bals and Demi started off from here on tuesday and just made it for the bus. We didnt have any kind of food ( time constraints as usual hehe 🙂 ) except for a plate of Idli just before leaving .. ok ! a very peaceful bus ride and we landed there by about 3. We had plans to climb up to have the darshan and so we tried for tickets… i havent been to tirupati in a long time and on looking at one of the queue lost hope for getting any darshan .. A sign board near the queue read “Darshan : 12 AM Thursday”. I thought ok ! Venki has screwed us all !

Demi was in no mood to climb up and so he desperately prayed not to get the tickets while bals did otherwise. Very funny situation actually. Then demi noticed that the queue was for the free darshan and sudharshan darshan tickets are near the foothill. we went there and got the tickets aramse 🙂 Best part was that Demi who didnt want to go up, showed us the path to go up. i felt short of words on that !

We started our trek in the cold, biting and inviting atmosphere there. Hungry and wanting to reach the top before 6 in the morning, we started off right away. All you guys know about my leg right … Its freakin fragile right now or that’s what i thought until the minute i started climbing the steps to have the darshan. I was running through the stairs, running like crazy until i felt the toll of the smoker’s lung on my stamina. frantic for air, we stood there, just 200 steps from the ground. I counted 3500 more to go. hmm … You could have guessed how much hope i would have had then. Demi had dizziness then, bals felt like vomiting and i was totally exhausted. We sat there and there was this couple who passed by us, and noticing that all of us were done for, gave us a bottle of water and some fruits. Felt weird on that kind of an act from a total stranger to a totally lost bunch of random guys ..

We walked on, and on, tired and seeing more and more steps losing hope completely. My leg was hurting badly and my back too felt weak because of the stress. But there was something on everybody’s face around us that kept me going. The faith or whatever you want to call that was too very strong to let anyone down in that place. I felt miserable and then i quickly got the enthu to start off again and run against the pain. There was a stage where there were only three more steps to reach a flat area where i could rest or sit but my body and legs was so tired that i couldn’t move from the step i was standing in. I watched not knowing what to do, whether to sit right there or to jump in vain to touch the flat surface and accomplish something worthy. Images flashed, and i said f*** you to myself against all the pain that i felt and peacefully reached the flat place. best part was that i didnt want to rest once i reached there. The aspiration was not willing to quench itself for the measly 3 steps and it kept pushing me until i felt really tired, some 150 steps from where i had started. i felt i was acting foolishly, screwing up my body in the process but it struck me on what is this body worth if the pain, a product of the aspiration cannot be fought against.

We kept walking and we reached the 6th mountain. Its called “The Knee breaker” ! hmmm. well after seeing all that had happened before, this one, a continous monster of about 600 steps felt like a meadow. We just grazed through the way, and made it to the top in no time. Perseverance paid off !

At last we reached Tirumala at around 7 in the morning. Walked to the lodge where the guys were staying and wanted to sleep. the best part was that i couldnt sleep. the excitement, the hunger, the memory of this travel remained, and kept me alive ..

We attended priyanka’s marriage and then went to have darshan. We entered the queue at around 12. There was a sort of rugby match going on in there. People crowding and fighting to get in front of a 60 year old guy to have the darshan first, just before the turn to entrance of inner sanctum. I felt ugly and sick then. Everyone was fighting literally, not that it is something that i am seeing new but then, it suddenly didn’t make sense any more, on why would people want to have darshan first and not wait for an extra minute for having waited for 6 hours ? None of that made sense. Is that precious minute more critical than allowing a 60 year old guy, who endured the wait alongside us also, to pass by first ? Anyway, we finally had the chance to see venki at 5.40. I wanted to pray about so many things, wanted to tell him so many things but when the time came, when the darshan happened, the mind was blank… the eyes saw the image, the mind couldn’t imagine anything else, couldn’t think of anything else, just watched and i came out. and there ends the episode.

very blank now and relaxed than ever before. feeling very free. many of the questions i had have been answered. no guilt, no regret. desires do remain still. waiting to burn them away soon …

Talked to her now. Fragile voice. Serene face. Deep eyes. Life’s reward ?